The Naughty List

Santa Claus reading a wish list at home.

Whether you are ready or not, December is here and that means the holidays are right around the corner. This time of year always gives me reason to reflect on myself — what I am proud of and more importantly what I can do better. What is important to remember is that it’s OK to be human and that we all are constant works in progress. Especially those of us with chronic conditions — while we are fighting against an invisible illness everyday there are always going to be things we wish we could have done better along the way.

In that spirit, below are my list of confessions. If Santa were to judge, I’m afraid I’d be on the Naughty List this year. My hope is that through this honest reflection I can open up a conversation, make others feel less alone, and ultimately I will use it to hold myself accountable so in the future I can do better. And maybe next year I can aim to be on the Nice List.

  1. I still hide the fact that I have a chronic migraine condition from many people in my life
  2. During a period of bad attacks, I sometimes end up isolated for days without speaking to anyone and in turn feel very alone and like a waste of space
  3. Even after all these years, sometimes I forget to pack my medications with me in my purse, or on vacations and overnight trips
  4. In fear of the hospital, disdain for their bills and in an effort to avoid long waits and extra frustration, I never go to the ER anymore even when I think it may help, because I am that stubborn and afraid
  5. Even though I know it’s important, I struggle sticking to a regimented sleep schedule and suffer from bouts of insomnia
  6. Sometimes I don’t take my abortive medications right when I feel an attack coming on and I don’t really know why
  7. Sometimes I hide and sneak my abortives in public as if they are something to be ashamed of
  8. Sometimes I worry my friends and family don’t even believe my condition or think I am exaggerating
  9. A lot of the time I fake being well because I don’t want to disappoint those around me
  10. Sometimes I don’t tell my family when I have a migraine but I expect them to know that I do
  11. Sometimes I get depressed or frustrated with my condition and take my anger out on the ones that are closest to me and that I love the most
  12. Sometimes the guilt I feel from my condition overwhelms me
  13. I don’t like to talk about my condition too much because I think I will annoy those around me
  14. Sometimes I think there’s no point in discussing my condition because they can’t possibly understand
  15. Sometimes I worry that all my talk about migraine irritates people.
  16. Even though I am on dietary restrictions because of my condition, sometimes I cheat
  17. Sometimes I push myself and take risks I know could very well trigger an attack because I want to live normally and keep up with my friends and family
  18. I suffer from a severe case of FOMO
  19. I still hesitate to ask other people to accommodate my triggers because I don’t want to inconvenience them
  20. Sometimes it makes me angry that those who are close to me still don’t accommodate me by keeping  their voices down or lowering the lights when I’m having an attack
  21. Sometimes I get impatient with others’ complaints about their medical issues
  22. When other people talk about getting a migraine sometimes I question if they really had a migraine or just a headache
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